I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
My vagina is very pro this idea
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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