woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
