I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Welp...herpes.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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