Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
