Do you still have your period?
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
