i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
