That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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