i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
