It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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