There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
