dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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