Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
