did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I need to wash the frat house off of me
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
