Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
People in love make me want to vomit
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
