If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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