Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
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