Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
