Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
My bed smells like the plague
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