i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Randomize
