My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Its like we are women, and boise state is a gangster rap song. This game is degrading
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
