He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
