I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
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