i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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