shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
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