Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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