real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
