No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I just forgot I was standing up.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
