Tell her she can't have a vagina
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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