I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
