I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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