If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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