Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
