They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
