It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
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