we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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