i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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