Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
