is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
