did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
