i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
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