proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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