As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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