i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
