My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
