Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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