So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
