she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
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