Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
