Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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