I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
